Now that I have your attention….
Some may suggest I am about to draw a long bow. I beg to differ and will vigorously defend the position I am about to offer up for your consideration.
The Daily Mail (UK) ran an article today titled…
So after you have finished reading all the FANTASTIC statistics about how being separated from your partner for JUST ONE NIGHT will make your sex life more exciting, I have a less expensive, less disruptive and sneakily clever suggestion for you.
Sleep in separate rooms for just one night a month.
I do admit that there might be some role playing and creativity needed to give the illusion of one of you not being the house – but I’ll leave that to your (and your partner’s) imagination.
(This might require a brainstorming session and may even create the opportunity for dressing up – if that’s the sort of thing you are in to)
My two favourite and compellingly convincing quotes from the article are:
Couples who spend at least one night a month working away from home have a hotter sex life than those who share a bed every night, the study found.
And one in four admit they’re more likely to be in the mood because they have more energy after a night in bed alone.
(I concede that the article also mentions that part of the attraction and excitement is being away from the ‘stresses and strains of home’ – but hey… that could easily be achieved by the aforementioned creativity.)
I’ve never advocated that sleeping apart is an every night decision – it isn’t for some. And now, if you were ever looking for a reason to have the occasional night cocooned alone in your own space and your own bed – even if it involves some pining for your partner – you can justify the decision by referring to this rigorous, scientific research conducted by Blue Rainbow Aparthotels.
What? It’s sponsored by a hotel group? Get out!!
However, I choose to stand behind their findings and commend the idea to those who want both a restful night and a HOT sex life.
And if you are still thinking “Oh what a load of rubbish!”, I say….
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
My husband and I have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for several years now, and we’ve been married for 45 years. We didn’t sleep apart for the first half of our marriage, but we also didn’t have an extra bedroom before that time, with three growing children.
I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia for around 25 years. One of the symptoms of fibro is the inability to get good, restorative sleep. I have found that this is true, even sleeping alone, but when my husband and I were sleeping together, it was even worse. Since I sleep lightly, I was frequently awakened by my husband’s snoringl, in addition to my own wakefulness. Sometimes I would just get back to bed or start to drift off to sleep when I would be startled back awake by his snoring or movement in the bed.
It was something that my husband has been somewhat embarrassed about, so we haven’t made a big deal about it to others, but when people have found out, we just mention that our marriage is probably still together BECAUSE we sleep separately! I humorously told the kids that we still have our “conjugal visits,” which of course elicited comments that I was “over-sharing” or “TMI” (too much information)……which ended any further prying — LOL!
Jennifer Adams says
Thanks for visiting the site and making a comment. Your situation is very common as illness can sometimes cause such interruption to sleep. However, you obviously have it worked out having made it to 45 years of marriage – congratulations! Such an achievement in our society. I did laugh at the ‘over sharing’ comment – but I too often have to ‘over share’ to prove to people that my relationship is functioning just as normally as a couple’s who share a bed. I have just accepted it’s something I will have to do for some time to come. All the best with your ongoing arrangements, and again, thanks for being in touch. Jenny
I think I fall into the reverse category. I am a early 30’s male who is a light and fussy sleeper. Not being able to sleep with a partner has been the down fall of a previous relationship (looking back it was a good thing), but the problem now is the a new relationship is headed for the scrap yard (plus any future relationships) because I cannot fall asleep with a new partner nor do I really want to be forced to share a bed, not when I have the memories of the previous failed relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally into the new girl, but this one aspect of me (the relationship) is a dead-in-the-water deal breaker. I cannot possible be a high calibre man if I can’t sleep. Anyway, how should I go about discussing this with my new girl (give her the bad news). I know that if I don’t get my needs met (sleep) then the relationship is doomed anyway (insert big sad face). Again, all other relationship aspects are going well.
Thanks in advance.
Jennifer Adams says
Hi Andrew. As with all relationships, there are points of difference that can be a deal breaker – no matter what else is happening. Managing these situations is always tough. I understand that you need your sleep – that was the issue for me. My advice lies in the foundation of communication and explaining as many times, in as many different ways as you can to your girlfriend about how she, and the relationship, will benefit from you being able to sleep alone, and therefore get enough sleep. Often a person feels rejected when their partner wants to sleep alone. Have you checked to see how you can convince your girlfriend that “it’s not her, it’s you” and your separate bed is completely unrelated to your relationship? How about creating rituals at night before you go to sleep and then first thing in the morning? Realistically, you only need to be separated when you are actually sleeping and can enjoy intimacy in all its form right up to when you fall asleep and as soon as you wake up. My book has a vast range of suggestions about how to negotiate this tricky path and I do recommend you consider buying it as it’s hard to cover all the options open to you in this reply. Most importantly is to make your girlfriend feel secure and wanted. We all have our individual needs and I think it’s how we communicate the ‘why’ behind the needs in the context of the needs of others in our lives that is critical. I wish you all the best negotiating a great outcome for you both. Take care and sleep well. Jenny